By Gail Sexton Anderson

For children, learning how they came to be part of a family is an exciting adventure that they love to hear over and over, regardless of how their family was created.  If you are comfortable with how you are creating your family, your child will be too.  Your child is an outgrowth of the love you and your partner have for each other.

In this day and age, adopted children are usually told early on how they became part of a family.  Parents share the great joy they experienced since welcoming the child into the family, and they are advised to tell their child’s story in a positive light.

On the other hand, because of the stigma sometimes associated with male infertility, families have often remained silent. In recent years, research has shown the damaging effects silence has caused in families who have conceived through sperm donation.  The book Lethal Secrets, by Annette Baran,  is an excellent example with many vignettes of children conceived through sperm donation. They were never told until they were either much older or discovered it by a harsh accident.  It can be devastating to discover that the ones you love and trust most have chosen to be silent concerning such an important issue.  When third-party reproduction (specifically, egg donation) is involved, it is better for a child to hear the story from their parents, rather than by accident or through another source.

We can learn a lot about the advantages of open communication by looking at the problems silence has caused both in adoption and sperm donation in years past.  Mary Watkins authored, Talking With Young Children About Adoption  , which addresses issues you and your partner may be facing, as well as addressing some tough questions that involve egg donation and third-party reproduction.  Flight of the Stork  by Anne Bernstein is another book that can be helpful.  Elaine Gordon has written an excellent book for talking to any child about reproductive issues entitled, “Mommy Did I Grow In Your Tummy”  (www.elainegordon.com).  This is a good tool for parents, no matter how they choose to build their family.  Another great resource is a series of books published by X, Y, and Me (www.xyandme.com). Like Elaine Gordon’s book, these are also geared toward children with a separate book for each reproductive choice. Most of the books referred to in this article can be ordered from a bookstore or through your local Resolve chapter.