  The term known donor is meant to refer
to a family member, acquaintance or friend who is willing to be a donor for you. If you are considering working with
a known donor you should keep in mind some of the additional complexities that are associated with many known donor relationships.
Lets say your sister or cousin has offered to be an egg
donor for you. The first thing you should do is to schedule an appointment with a mental health professional who specializes
in fertility counseling. There is a national group of mental health professionals who are all members of the American
Society for Reproductive Medicine. These therapists are very familiar with both the joys and the pitfalls of working
with a known donor.
The joy of working with a family
member is the child will share your family genetics and may have a greater chance of looking like you. You may feel
you can relate more closely to the child because of this. But will you feel awkward at family gatherings as the years
go by. Will your bond with your sister/cousin become stronger due to your shared experience? Or will your relationship
become strained? Will you feel that your donor relative is playing too big a role in your child’s life or not
enough? Will you worry that the child is too close to your donor relative and feel threatened? Does she have children
of her own? If not, and she never does, how might that change the family dynamics? These are all serious issues that
you need to consider.
Even though you are family, or maybe
especially because you are family, you should make sure that you have a contract and some type of substantial compensation
for your donor’s time and discomfort. If cash feels to crass you can send her on a great weekend get away or spa
experience to pamper her after the retrieval. Whatever you choose it is important that she feels your appreciation.
You may be grateful but if you haven’t truly worked through mourning the loss of your own biological child you may still
feel some resentment.
Whatever you do, work with a fertility
attorney who knows the ins and outs of fertility law and can put everything in writing. There are excellent fertility
attorneys who can help you to avoid any misunderstandings that could arise when you and your donor are hormonally challenged.
If your close friend offers to be your egg donor you might
run into many of the same issues. Though your sister or cousin will always be family, you could either become closer
to your friend through this shared experience or it might strain or even ruin a wonderful relationship.
Now the third type of know donor is when you ask an acquaintance to be your donor.
She looks like you, you love her personality, and she is really bright too. You ask her if she might consider being
your egg donor. She is so flattered she is walking on air for the first week. Then reality hits. She stops returning
your calls, doesn’t show up for appointments and you are devastated. Many young women are flattered that
someone would think so much of them that they would want then to contribute genetically to their family. But unfortunately
many of these cases fall apart. The donor has never really thought through being an egg donor before. So she starts
to think about it, talks to her friends, her mom and goes on line to learn more. She gets cold feet. Being a donor
may be way more than she bargained for. She may not know how to tell you for fear of crushing your dreams.
To work with a known donor it is important for all parties to seek
counseling both together and individual so that you can come to a well thought out mature decision. If you can go forward
with your eyes wide open realizing that the dynamics of your relationship may change it can be a very enriching experience
for all of you.
Donor Concierge Services
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