Insights from Jennifer Duneier: Former Client Turned Parent Mentor
Our founder, Gail Sexton Anderson, sat down with our former client, Jennifer Duneier, to talk about her fertility journey as a single mother, and how her story can inspire other hopeful parents as they embark on their own family-building journey. Jennifer is the proud mother of twin 7-year-old boys as well as an accomplished interior designer. Her design projects have been featured on HGTV, Good Morning America, and Fox News. She has been very open about her search for an egg donor, sperm donor and surrogate, and she is happy to share her knowledge with others. Here are some of the highlights from Gail’s interview.
Gail:
Do you mind sharing a little about yourself and your story?
Jennifer:
I’m now 54. The entire journey started when I was 24 and I had a radical hysterectomy due to some pretty severe endometriosis. I always knew that I couldn't have children, and that really sort of guided most of my life decisions.
I married somebody who was older and was never going to expect children. At the time, technology just wasn't what it is today and the ability to create a family didn't exist unless you could adopt. My husband already had kids, so I just sort of became a step-parent, and that was fine.
Then when I was 46, my father passed away and something switched. I was like, oh my God, I've missed an entire chapter of my life, and yet still young enough and vibrant enough to have a family.
I talked to my husband about that and he said, “I'm too old. I can't do it again.” We made a very painful decision to separate. So, I went down this path by myself, and, because of my hysterectomy and no spouse in the picture, I had to do all the elements – I had to do sperm donor, egg donor, and surrogate to piece the entire puzzle together. So it was a long journey and Donor Concierge was amazing through it. I wouldn't be here with my two little 7-year-old terrorists if it wasn't for you.
Gail:
Well, I enjoyed being on that journey with you.
Jennifer:
You guys were great. I took a couple of turns at one point - there was somebody involved who was going to be the father and the sperm side of the equation - and that didn't quite work out. Everything happens for a reason. That would be my advice to anybody on this journey. Just know that everything happens for a reason. There's light at the end of the tunnel. That might not be the tunnel you thought you were on, but there's always a way.
That would be my advice to anybody on this journey. Just know that everything happens for a reason. There's light at the end of the tunnel. That might not be the tunnel you thought you were on, but there's always a way.
Gail:
How did you find Donor Concierge?
Jennifer:
I was referred to by a friend. The second you put it out there, everybody has a doctor, everybody has a person, etc. And sure enough, someone said, I have a friend who's been on this journey and they've had a ton of heartbreak. You should just talk to them before going any further just so you can fully understand all the things that could go on. So, I called her and I believe she was working with Donor Concierge. She told me her very long story and how Donor Concierge stayed with her through all of the ups and downs and the twists and turns. So to me, it was a no-brainer. You need a team when you go through something like this.
Gail:
Right. Especially because needing all three elements on its own is fairly complicated, but when you need all three, it's that much more complicated.
Jennifer:
Right? I suppose you could go through the clinic, but I never loved that idea because you didn’t have much say. I like a little control, even though there's no control at all in this process.
Gail:
How did you choose your egg donor?
Jennifer:
In my opinion, the egg donor was sort of replacing my DNA. So I wanted somebody with similar coloring, somebody creative, and just a good sense of humor. And that was my guideline.
The person I was engaged with at the time wanted Ivy and SAT scores and all this other stuff. But to me, that is the parent's role. If somebody got great SAT scores, it’s probably because they had a tutor to help them study for the SAT. You know what I mean? So I've never really based my decisions on things like that.
So once that situation was over, I called Donor Concierge and said “Here are the parameters; blonde hair, blue eyes, nice, and has proven fertility.” At that point, we had gone through three or four egg donors - none, which worked out. In the end, it was good for me because, ultimately, I chose one that met my criteria and then it was very smooth sailing.
Gail:
That's why I always tell people to fall in LIKE, don't fall in LOVE. Because if anything can go wrong, and unfortunately it often does go wrong, you need to be able to let go of that.
Jennifer:
We went through three contracts and once you're in contract, then you have to do all the medical evaluations and all that stuff.
Gail:
So how about your sperm donor?
Jennifer:
So the sperm donor was the fastest of all the processes. I remember calling you guys and saying, okay, we've got this adorable egg donor (creative type, five-six, etc.). Let's balance that out with somebody who's tall and has a higher education. I was sent three options. One had the code name Rainier. Before my father passed, he was living in a cabin on the side of Mount Rainier. And so to me, that was a little sign.
Gail:
I think it's not unusual to have something like that as the deciding factor.
Jennifer:
From the area, blonde hair, blue eyes, tall, Norwegian, plays tennis. I love tennis. Whatever the things were, I figured it would balance out the egg donor nicely.
Gail:
And then the surrogate?
Jennifer:
So that was a very interesting process. I didn't know that I was going to have to create a profile for the surrogate to choose, kind of like a dating app. You gotta do the pictures and this will be the baby's house, etc. I panicked because I already had an egg donor and a sperm donor. Is a surrogate going to put her life at risk for a single mother living in New York from a broken apartment? So I thought it was going to take a long time. And then I got three or four profiles sent to me of girls who were willing to do it, and one stood out. And I just liked her and her family. I felt like she'd be okay comfortably carrying, and handing over, the child - all the things that you worry about. She was done with her family-making, and I could tell she had her family's support, and that's part of why I chose her.
I also was limited to one state because of my no genetic tie scenario. I could only have a surrogate in California to definitely be on the birth certificate, which was very important to me. I didn't want to go through all of this and then have to try and adopt my own child. That wasn't going to be how it went.
Gail:
There are a few other states now that also offer that, but I remember at the time that I was checking with the attorneys that we work with, and they're like, here are your options.
Jennifer:
It was very complex and very limited in scope as to where I could choose from. And ultimately, she lived one exit away from my sister on the freeway. So it became very convenient.
I would fly from New York every month for all of our doctor's appointments and stay at my sister's. And I got to be at all the ultrasounds, and it was great. We built a really nice friendship and relationship through that.
Gail:
That's always really nice. It is a much more interactive situation than choosing an egg donor or sperm donor whom you don't normally get a chance to meet.
And so what was your experience like with Donor Concierge?
Jennifer:
You were amazing. Every decision seems like the biggest decision in your entire life, and quite possibly the most money you're going to spend on something like that in your entire life. My process was incredibly expensive and most people have not had the good fortune to be able to do that. But at the time, I was divorced and I had a certain amount I could spend, so I was very conscious about it. You guys just held my hand. And every time a wrench was thrown into the mix, you would calmly talk me through it - This is what we do next, or this is our workaround, or whatever. And you were so patient and so kind, and so supportive.
I always felt like I was a part of your family and I could call anybody and you guys would take care of me. And I had felt so much like I was on an island by myself during that process. And you guys were just amazing. You never offered judgment against any opinions I had. You really gave very calm advice.
Gail:
It’s great to hear that. Our goal is to be your advocate and liaison through this process. We've done this thousands of times and we always say, you don't know what you don't know, because that's true until you encounter it. And every once in a while, there are things that throw us a loop too, but we have more resources.
Jennifer:
I was in New York, so how would I have known any facilities in California to go to and go, you know what I mean? And the attorneys that you recommend. All of it. You really are a concierge service for all of it.
Gail:
So what would you say the most joyful part of the process was?
Jennifer:
Oh, the most joyful thing was really getting to know my surrogate and her family. It was the relationships that I was able to build on the journey. Aside, of course, from having a child, it was the friendships I made and the comfort that I felt on that path.
Gail:
What was the most unexpected?
Jennifer:
The most unexpected was for sure all the twists and turns and the setbacks with the various egg donors for various reasons. Because you don't expect that.
Gail:
So, I know one unexpected thing was, and kind of a big bonus, was the twins.
Jennifer:
Yeah, that was definitely a shock, but a blessing. I mean, certainly a challenge, but a blessing.
Gail:
I know twins are a lot, but I was just so happy to hear that you got this bonus of two.
Jennifer:
I could have never done it twice. I could have never afforded it twice. I could have never had a second surrogate. None of that. So I'm thrilled with my result. They were both in the hospital for a long time. That's the one downside to twins, most likely you're going to have some NICU time. And so that was very difficult. But they’re seven and a half now and very healthy, and it was just something we had to move through.
Gail:
So are you in touch with anyone else who has created their family through a third-party donor surrogate?
Jennifer:
Oh, so many. Also, my remaining embryos have gone to somebody that I know, and I believe they also used you to help find their surrogate.
That's the thing about being on this journey, once you're on it, you just meet so many people who are also on it. And the amount of teams in the country that are really good at what they do is limited, in my opinion. So everyone circles through the same top tier people. And of course, Donor Concierge is one of the top. I know several people who have used you. Everybody's been happy.
One of the best things that has happened is when you called me and said, “Would you mind talking to an intended family? They just need someone who's been through it to talk to.” And I love talking to those people. I love it.
Gail:
I'm excited that you donated to your remaining embryos. After all, I just think that is a huge pay-it-forward because most of the people that I talk to who've been through this process are very open to that. In fact, I am now on board for an organization called Empower, which helps to educate people who are either thinking about looking for donated embryos or want to donate their remaining embryos. And so it's a great organization and I feel really good and positive about that.
So is there any advice that you would like to share with hopeful parents who are considering this route?
Jennifer:
Just know that it's all worth it. It's a very hard journey, even if everything goes the way it's supposed to. It's a very hard journey because you're putting control of your future child in somebody else's hands. You just have to have a little faith, and you have to know that ultimately it's going to work out. Obviously, hire Donor Concierge without question. Because you guys are the best. And then take their advice.
Take the people that you hire and engage to do this for you, whether it's to a fertility doctor or your attorneys or whatever. Hopefully, you did your research and you trust them to give you good advice and listen to their advice. Listen to their cues. Because even when Donor Concierge didn't come straight out and give me a yes or a no, you still advised on the way you would approach the scenario.
Gail:
Right. We give you all the information because you have to make the decision. We can't make it for you.
Well, thank you, Jennifer. I really appreciate your time, and it's been so great to be able to catch up with you.
Jennifer:
Oh, you're welcome. My pleasure. My pleasure.
