How to Choose a Surrogate: What to Know About the Matching Process
Choosing a surrogate is an important and personal part of your surrogacy journey. You likely begin your search with criteria already in mind, but evaluating potential surrogates often raises questions that are hard to anticipate in advance.
Learning how to choose a surrogate starts with understanding that a strong match involves more than finding someone who meets medical requirements. Practical considerations matter, but so do your expectations, preferences, and priorities. Understanding how surrogate matching works helps you identify which factors matter most.
For 20 years, Donor Concierge has helped intended parents navigate the family building process. Through a guided surrogate search across our network of trusted surrogacy agencies, we provide personalized guidance driven exclusively by your family's goals, not agency partnerships or referral fees.
What Is Surrogate Matching and How Does It Work?
Surrogate matching is the process of connecting intended parents with a potential surrogate who meets the necessary qualifications and whose preferences and expectations align with theirs. Every program handles the process somewhat differently, but matching generally includes several stages.
Screening and qualification: Potential surrogates undergo an initial review based on factors such as their health history, pregnancy history, and lifestyle. Initial qualification does not necessarily mean a potential surrogate has completed every medical or psychological screening required to move forward. Your fertility clinic and surrogacy agency may conduct additional reviews and evaluations before medical clearance.
Profile review: Once a potential surrogate meets the appropriate initial criteria, you review information about her: personal background, pregnancy history, lifestyle, location, availability, and reasons for becoming a surrogate.
Match introduction: If you and the potential surrogate express interest, you will usually meet by phone or video. This conversation gives both sides an opportunity to ask questions, discuss expectations, and decide whether the match feels like the right fit.
Surrogate matching is mutual. You are evaluating whether you feel comfortable moving forward with a potential surrogate, and she is making the same decision about you.
What Factors Matter Most When Choosing a Surrogate?
When you think about how to choose a surrogate, it can be tempting to create a long list of preferences. Some criteria are essential to moving forward safely. Focusing on a few important areas can make your search easier to navigate.
Medical and Screening Criteria
A surrogate’s pregnancy history, overall health, and medical records can affect whether your fertility clinic approves her. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) recommends medical evaluation and infectious disease screening and advises that a surrogate has previously had a successful pregnancy.
Because fertility clinics may have additional requirements, consider your clinic’s criteria from the outset.
Lifestyle and Availability
A surrogate’s work schedule, family responsibilities, ability to travel, support system, and availability for appointments can influence the logistics of the process.
You may also want to discuss preferences related to diet, exercise, travel, work, and other aspects of pregnancy. You do not need to approach everything the same way, but your expectations should feel compatible.
Location and Legal Considerations
Where your surrogate lives can affect travel, appointments, delivery planning, insurance, and legal requirements.
Surrogacy and parentage laws vary by state, so you and your surrogate should work with independent attorneys who understand the applicable laws. Considering location early can help you focus on matches that work for your circumstances.
Why Compatibility Matters in a Surrogate Match
A surrogate can meet every requirement and still not feel like the right match for you.
You will have to communicate with your surrogate for many months, make plans together, and discuss personal decisions related to pregnancy and delivery. That makes interpersonal compatibility an important part of a surrogate match.
Communication style is a good place to start. Some intended parents want frequent texts, photos, and updates, while others prefer scheduled check-ins. A surrogate may also have her own preferences around how often she communicates and what she wants to share.
You should also discuss your expectations for the relationship. You may picture attending appointments, staying closely involved throughout the pregnancy, or maintaining a relationship after delivery. Another family may want more defined boundaries. Neither approach is inherently better, but you should understand what both sides want before agreeing to a match.
Finally, pay attention to your comfort level and trust. Matching conversations are an opportunity for you and your potential surrogate to determine whether you can navigate the process as partners.
Questions to Consider When Evaluating a Surrogate Match
You do not need to determine everything about a potential relationship during one conversation. A few thoughtful questions can help you evaluate whether a match is a good fit.
Do our expectations for communication align? Consider how frequently you each want to communicate and what kinds of updates you hope to share.
Are we comfortable with the level of involvement we each want? Talk about appointments, milestones, delivery, and other points where your preferences may intersect.
Do our values and preferences feel compatible? You do not need to agree on everything, but you should feel comfortable discussing areas that could affect the pregnancy.
Can we communicate openly about difficult subjects? Surrogacy can involve unexpected decisions. Consider whether you feel that you can have respectful, honest conversations together.
Do we feel comfortable moving forward with one another? Sometimes, the most important question is also the simplest. Give yourself permission to consider how the interaction feels.
You may find that some preferences you considered essential at the outset become less important once you meet a potential surrogate who feels like a strong fit. You may also discover new priorities as you move through the matching process.
How the Matching Process Can Vary
There is no single, universal surrogate matching process used by every agency or program. One agency may have a wait list and introduce intended parents to potential surrogates as they become available. Another may allow you to review multiple profiles. Agencies also differ in how much guidance they provide before an introduction.
Timelines can vary significantly as well. Surrogate availability, your fertility clinic’s requirements, location, and the specificity of your preferences can all affect how quickly you find a match.
The number of agencies you search through can also affect your options. When you work with one surrogacy agency, your search generally depends on the potential surrogates available within that agency's program. If the current surrogates do not align with your needs, you may need to wait for another potential match.
Understanding these differences before you begin helps you set realistic expectations and decide how you want to approach your search.
A More Guided Approach to Surrogate Matching
Searching for a surrogate becomes time-consuming when you are contacting agencies individually, reviewing different program requirements, and trying to determine which opportunities deserve your attention.
A guided search can help you expand the number of agencies while giving you one point of contact to help organize the search. Instead of limiting your search to one agency’s current pool, you can explore potential surrogates across multiple agencies.
At Donor Concierge, we provide a guided surrogate search tailored to your family’s priorities. We search across trusted surrogacy agencies, manage outreach, review potential surrogates against ASRM requirements, and help you evaluate your options.
Because we do not accept referral fees from agencies, you receive personalized, independent guidance focused on your needs.
Choosing a Surrogate with Confidence
There is no single “perfect” surrogate. The right surrogate is someone who meets all the necessary requirements and feels aligned with your priorities and preferences. As you consider how to choose a surrogate, look at both necessary requirements and personal compatibility. A thoughtful surrogate matching process helps you make the best decision for your family.
Learn more about our service and how a guided search can help you explore potential matches across a broader network.
FAQs
What is surrogate matching?
Surrogate matching is the process of connecting you as an intended parent with a qualified surrogate who might be a good fit for your family. It usually includes reviewing the potential surrogate’s information, evaluating practical and personal compatibility, meeting the potential surrogate, and mutually deciding whether to move forward.
What factors should I consider when choosing a surrogate?
Start by looking for a surrogate that meets all medical criteria. Consider factors such as medical and pregnancy history, clinic eligibility, location, availability, lifestyle, and expectations you may have. You should also consider any legal or logistical factors that could affect the match. A strong match is one that aligns with your family’s goals and priorities.
How long does surrogate matching usually take?
There is no universal timeline. Factors like availability, location, your clinic’s GC requirements, and your personal preferences can affect how long the search takes. Donor Concierge currently helps intended parents find the right surrogate match in about 2 months on average, although individual timelines vary.
Can Donor Concierge help me find a surrogate?
Yes. Donor Concierge provides a guided surrogate search across our network of trusted surrogacy agencies, giving you access to a broader range of potential matches.
