The Reality of Transitioning to Donor Egg: Note from an Intended Mother

Posted in Infertility on May 31, 2012 by Gail Sexton Anderson

I received this note from an intended mother recently.  Claire (not her real name) apologizes for sounding bitter.  My response you will see below.  She has given me permission to post this because I think that how she feels may mirror who many intended parents feel.  I hope that it will be encouraging for it's sincerity.

Dear Gail,

Thanks for the follow up. I really enjoyed our conversation the other day and appreciate your having taken so much time to address my questions and concerns regarding this sensitive subject. I particularly appreciate the fact that unlike so many professionals in this field, you understood that no one is ever really happy to give up on trying to have a child with their own genetic material. Perhaps as an independent consultant you are uniquely positioned to be able to offer frank advice, since so many other players seem to have vested interests in recommending one therapy over an another.

I am so tired of people sugar coating the egg "donor" option and trying to imply that I'm crazy not to be thrilled at the notion of having to resort to buying an egg to have a child. Just because a crippled patient is grateful to have the option of using a wheelchair does not mean that the patient equates it to the joy of walking.

Along those lines, we've decided to consider attempting one more round of IVF using my own eggs. I'm not optimistic, so we'll probably be in touch again, but it's worth a try for my peace of mind. As your thoughtful articles note, everyone needs to work their way through the mourning process before pursuing this alternative. This is probably part of that process for me.



P.S. Yes, I know I sound bitter. Don't worry, I am working with a counselor to try to get over this and improve my attitude.

Dear Claire,

I don't think you sound bitter, I think you sound real. What you are going through is very normal.  I'm glad you are seeing a counselor because I think that can really help.  Time is the best balm for the soul, like any loss, you may still bear a scar but the pain tends to decrease over time. I wish you all the best as you go forward.  I really hope you don't need my help but if you do I would be honored.

With warmest regards,


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