What happens if a donor changes her mind?

Donor's don't change their minds very often but it can happen as well as a number of other unforeseen obstacles which may disqualify a donor. A donor may not pass her medical screen, her psych screen or her FDA eligibility. Then what? Well the simple answer is the intended parent finds a new donor. But the truth is that is not as easy as it sounds. Choosing an egg donor is a monumental life changing decision. If you have finally found a donor who seems ideal and then find that she can't be your donor, regardless of the reason, it can be quite devastating.

For many losing the donor of their dreams can bring all of their struggles back to square one again. It can reopen that same grieving they thought they had at least partially put behind them when the finally found The One.  They may have started to visualize their future child having worked with this donor. It can take intended parents months to recover from a setback like this depending on where they are in their fertility journey. The newer they are to the process the harder it is to have to go through the selection process again. Though this time around they may go through the stages of morning a bit faster. Jumping from the initial disbelief very quickly to the anger at the unfairness of life and looking for someone to blame for their renewed frustration.

Who the intended parent unleashes their frustration on may depend on whom they see as the obstacle to moving forward toward their goal. Sometimes they may want to lash out at the donor though that is an exercise in frustration, as they don't have immediate contact with the donor. They may lash out at the agency that may or may not have any power over the situation. After all donors are not employees they can change their minds and there is very little recourse. Donor's usually don't have any money so they can't be sued and you can't force a donor to do an egg retrieval if she doesn't want to fulfill her commitment. At times, though rarely, they lash out at us. If the donor fails to meet medical psychological or FDA eligibility the intended parents may take their frustration out on the psychologist, their RE or the clinic staff for enforcing rules and regulations that have been put in place to protect the intended parents and their future child/ren.

So what is the solution to this conundrum? Time. Time, empathy and understanding are the answers to so many things but particularly when it comes to dealing with pain and loss. You can't make the intended parents move on or to consider moving forward with what they see as a lesser donor. If they do they are likely to feel regret and resentment in the long run. Empathy is important because when an intended parent is in the middle of facing yet another loss that is when they need someone to listen to them vent, not try and fix things. They just can’t hear solutions when they aren’t ready. Understanding, because no matter what we as the professionals may have in mind for our “schedules” or our “business” our intended parents are trying to form a family. If we do the right thing and give them the space they need they will feel heard. Being heard is something we all need but especially intended parents. If the intended parent feel heard they will share their experience with others and that in turn will benefit you and your practice.

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