Whole vs Hole: Donor Conceived Generation
I have a theory, which is not completely original as it is repeated in literature quite frequently and explains the popularity of so many self-help programs. But nonetheless, my theory is that we all, as humans, have a hole in us emotionally or spiritually however you choose to see it that keeps us from feeling whole. Some of us can put a name to this hole and in some ways these are the lucky ones, for many of us we just keep searching and wondering what is missing in our lives, when in fact maybe nothing is truly missing, it may just be part of the human condition. To be a part of things but still separate by virtue of our own unique combination of characteristics, the perfect/imperfect mix, that make us who we are.
Some, who have had a less than perfect childhood, may feel less than whole having never received unconditional love. And there is much to be said for this. After all our first separation is birth. Small infants see themselves as one unit with their mother and psychologist see this separation as a child’s first experience of loss. Each time we grieve we grieve not for just the present loss but for every loss going back to the loss of our oneness with our mothers.
For those who experience fertility challenges. Having a child may go a long way to helping them to feel closure. Individuals going through fertility issues experience loss after loss and a vortex of longing. I am privileged to play a role in helping couples to try and bridge that gap by finding egg donors and/or surrogates so that they can build a family in which to share their love.
For donor conceived individuals, those who have come into this world as a result of egg or sperm donation their hole, as stated by some, is to know and have contact with the donor that made it possible for them to be part of this world. For many, this is what they feel will bring them closure and help them to feel more whole. I believe they deserve the opportunity to have that closure. They should not feel guilty for their desire to know. It isn’t for lack of unconditional love but the desire to know oneself. This is an eternal mystery and for donor conceived individuals more of a mystery than for most. Wanting to know where a certain trait originated from is natural and does not take away from the love the donor conceived individual feels for their parents who have raised them.
It’s human nature to at times, feel disconnected from those around us. We all have those moments; even though we may not always feel whole we are not alone in this feeling. We all have holes of one sort or another that we are longing to fill. But not all of us can put a name to what we feel is keeping us from being truly whole. So while I feel it is important for donor conceived individual to have access to their genetic history, I don’t think it will make them more whole though I do think it may provide closure and a sense of their genetic heritage.
“What isn’t there has a presence, like the absence of light.” ~Margaret Atwood
