The egg donation heart connection by Dr. Deborah Simmons
Therapist Dr. Deborah Simmons shares her thoughts on the unique connection she has seen between egg donors and hopeful parents. Dr. Deborah Simmons, PhD, LMFT is an expert in pregnancy loss & infertility counseling, including education for donor eggs, donor sperm, and surrogacy. Dr. Simmons has provided specializing counseling for infertility-related trauma and pregnancy loss for more than 20 years. She works with fertility clinics, OB/GYN clinics, surrogacy agencies, and egg donor agencies around the country.
The egg donation heart connection by Dr. Deborah Simmons
"I have often been struck by the heart connection between intended parents and egg donors. This energetic bond exists whether or not the parties ever meet. How do I know? It’s the tears. Intended parents are often in tears asking, “Why would anyone do this for us?” And egg donors are often in tears, talking about their deep empathy for the suffering of people they may never meet. The loving curiosity between all parties can be profound. Donors want to feel that they were part of someone’s life so they could have a family together. As one intended mother said, “It’s not easy for the donors. They have to have a giving heart and wish for people to succeed.” All parties are sending the best of themselves to one other It’s all about the egg donation heart connection, even when the heart connection is anonymous.*
“Why not let someone else use my DNA to have their own child? This all boils down to love. In my eyes, I am giving a push to someone’s dream, a life of having children.”
Anonymous Egg Donor
Connecting the dots between intended parents and egg donors
I like to connect the heart connection dots between intended parents and egg donors through the trials of doing injections at home. I emphasize that everyone in this project has some skin in the game. Shared discomfort connects everyone to the shared goal of building a family. Donors feel so proud and honored to be able to help. And intended parents feel humbled and grateful to receive the kindness of a stranger. There is a strong sense of mutual respect.
You don’t need to be religious to see the blessing in this situation. Everyone wishes the best for the other person. Everyone is sending love and gratitude to the other. Egg donation is a quintessential “mitzvah”, a Hebrew word that can be interpreted as a good deed or a beneficial act of human kindness. This is a sacred project. It is strangers growing family and love. Take a look at “A Love Letter To The Family I Donated My Eggs To."
Egg donation compensation and altruism
Some may not like the idea that egg donors are compensated for their donation. I will tell you that egg donors are relieved about being compensated for their efforts, and that compensation is not their primary motivation. These are altruistic women. They work very hard giving themselves injections and spending hours away from home, school, and work. They agreed to undergo an elective procedure that they don’t need because of the dream and wish for someone else. Many intended parents are often relieved that the egg donors are compensated. It is an opportunity for them to thank this anonymous woman who has reached out to them with love through the giving of their eggs. Read Risa Kerslake’s excellent “5 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Egg Donor.”
It’s not just the heart connection between the egg donor and the intended parents. It’s the kids, too.
It’s not just the heart connection between the egg donor and the intended parents.The heart connection expands to the future children of the intended parents and the egg donor. They, too, are connected in a loving way. With the expansion of genetics testing, egg donor anonymity may be coming to an end, perhaps connecting children in a more personal way in the future. Intended parents are much more open now the efforts of the Donor Sibling Registry. Whether you like it or not, donor conceived children and the children of egg donors have genetic connections. They are already connected.
As are we all…"
Thank you to Deborah Simmons for sharing these thoughts with us and reflecting on the special bond between hopeful parents and egg donors. All families via donor conception have a different conception story, a different relationship with their donor, and a completely diverse and unique family. However, as third-party fertility has transitioned to encouraging a more open, transparent approach and families have access to more genetic information than ever before, donors and the families they help are more connected. More donors are choosing an open or semi-open donation, and more parents are having conversations with their children about conception from an early age. We’re glad to see the shame that has historically surrounded infertility lifting as conversations on all sides encourage families to embrace their unique story.
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